| school daze |
[09 Oct 2007|10:00pm] |
This teaching job has all but consumed me. I'm facing two brand new challenges in teaching at this school: following a strict curriculum and working in a school that serves an inner-city, underserved population of kids. I spend 75% of my time dealing with behavior issues and picking up the slack where parents have failed to do their jobs. ...which leaves me very little time and energy to meet all of the strict guidelines we fall under since we rely so heavily on government funding and our test scores are less than stellar.
I wanted this. I needed this. But I'm paying a heavy price as well. I work all the time. I'm emotionally and mentally drained. I have all but lost connections to anyone outside of my home and work. On top of it all, I will not be paid for any of the work I'm doing until next month. This leaves me with financial worry. Just to add to the stress.
But I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry at all because it will get better. It already has. I love my kids. As much as they make me want to scream in a dark corner at times, I love them. I want to do so much and yet I struggle to do what I'm required to do. I still try to do more. I'm forever online looking up grants and unique opportunities to add to the already jam-packed day. I'm juggling. I'm spinning. I'm crawling at times.
I have a great teacher next door who is new this year as well. She's a former party girl and goes to 12 step meetings to keep herself grounded. She is part of what keeps me sane at work because I don't feel so alone. I'm no 12-stepper, but I sure as hell feel like I 12-stepped my way through the last 2 years. We commiserate about everything and see eye-to-eye across the board. It's nice because we share kids due to ability grouping. Working with someone you identify with is HUGE. I feel really lucky.
My dog is the best, too. That makes me luckiest.
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| forcible entry |
[23 Sep 2007|12:01am] |
I do not want to live a life that is forced. I do not want the things in my life to exist only due to the fact I have forced them to exist. I also do not want the things that do not exist to be so because I have forced them to not be present.
Then again, I don't want to be a passive bystander.
Right now, I know this much: I need sleep.
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| italicize your thighs |
[17 Sep 2007|10:02pm] |
Todd is reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy right now and he wants me to be reading it simultaneously so he has someone to talk to about it. I'm all for a new read, but since this one hit Oprah's list, all 390* library copies are on hold, checked out, or in transit for the next 3 years it seems. I know I could just go buy it, but I look at the plethora of books that fill my shelves and the thought of buying yet another book to add to the collection makes me want to stop reading altogether. Isn't there an online community where you can share books? I know I've come across one before. When I'm more motivated, I'll have to do a more thorough search. Hopefully, I can manage motivation before Todd and I speak again or I'll have some 'splainin to do.
Today's interview in Tukwila was like walking into candy-coated, bubble-gum flavored hell. This is a place Kathleen Turner's Serial Mom would have worked. No white shoes after Labor Day! I hope, hope, hope they realize I am not like them so they won't offer me the job. Turning down a contract is not in my vocabulary right now. Even if it means buying Aqua Net in bulk and getting fake nails in order to blend in. Speaking of working, I join the world of the employed tomorrow, kind of. I am going to observe the class I'm taking over before I take it under my wing on Wednesday. Then, no more sleeping in on weekdays until the next national holiday. hrm.
I need to start churning scarves. It's cold!
*exaggerating, slightly
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| afloat |
[16 Sep 2007|10:13pm] |
I desperately need a bookshelf so I can convert my storage room into an office/guestroom, as it was intended to be. I've been looking on Craigslist for weeks and I don't know what I expect to find for less than 30 bucks. It should not matter so much to me, but...seemingly, it does. I just need somewhere to organize my crap. That's all. The floor is not the way to go. Still, if I'm taking the trouble to haul it here I'd like for it to be real wood and tall and somewhat attractive. Me and my damn high expectations.
We still haven't inherited Todd's couch. It was too rainy today to move it, so I found myself traipsing around the southend of lake union (outside in the rain) instead. We visited the Center for Wooden Boats which has a small library that I find cozy and comforting. It was really a great little building and Josh is strongly considering volunteering in exchange for free sailing lessons. I just want to sit in the library on a rainy day, sip coffee, and look out at the boats on the water. Is that volunteering? If it could be considered so, I'd like to sign up.
We then spent way too long at REI. Me practicing blurring my eyes and refocusing while Josh tried on climbing harnesses. In other words, I was slightly bored. I do think it's interesting how easily I can make myself see double, though. God I'm weird.
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| And this and that |
[15 Sep 2007|09:08pm] |
Yesterday's interview was the best I've ever had. I was surrounded by four amazing black women who were so welcoming and giving, I valued every moment I had with them. At the end of the interview, they were gushing with compliments and the Principal even said, "You have a great deal of wisdom." I'm sure I blushed. Then I asked if there is a long-term sub in the position currently and if she was interviewing for the permanent position. "Yes. We will be upfront with you. She is." And that's when I knew I would not be getting a phone call with a job offer from them. It made me very sad. At least I don't feel as though I failed. For the first time, I felt like it was the system--not me.
I still have another interview on Monday for a school in another district. And I may be starting this possibly permanent assignment on Monday rather than Wednesday. The teacher who has been hired as a district math coach doesn't want to return to her classroom after yesterday. I can't blame her. Why would she want to continue working towards something from which she'll never reap the benefits? Still, her decision to not return will not be firm until Monday morning. If she decides to bail, I'll have to face a room full of kids without any lesson plans or clue as to what they've been doing. If nothing else, I know I can have a "getting to know you" day. It's not ideal but I'm actually okay with it.
This morning, Josh and I had a bad fight and missed Lulu's first day of training. I don't need to document here what the details were, but when we finally got to a place where we could talk about things, new worries sprouted in my mind. He began talking off-topic of his current quest to rejoin the world of firefighting. I know he misses the fire department so much and I know he needs to be doing it again. His concerns with getting on to a career department here have encouraged him to seek volunteer firefighting as a means or as a substitution. The problem with that is that all of the volunteer stations are outside of the city....typically far outside. His attention is currently on a station so far away that he would spending most of his time commuting there and back during his hours not at work on top of the hours he would actually spend pulling shifts. This would normally only be an issue of us not having quality time together, but it's much bigger than that. There is so much he is working on to heal things within him and we are working on to make this relationship successful. I just don't see this as a positive thing at all. Then again, how dare I keep him from what he loves? I guess I can answer that better when the whole thing becomes a greater reality.
Tonight, we went to the Wallingford Wurst festival, which should have incorporated lots of wurst (sausage), but instead was just a louder school carnival (as it was held on a catholic school blacktop) with only one stand of wurst. One kind of wurst prepared 2 ways: on a bun or on a stick. I had the salmon. Then we went to Golden Gardens and let Lulu dip her feet in the ocean.
Now Six Feet Under. Tomorrow, we inherit Todd's couch. I'm looking forward to it. Blankets and pillows on the floor lost its novelty after night one.
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| Out from the woodwork |
[13 Sep 2007|05:25pm] |
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When I gave up my teaching contract in Oakland, I knew it would be a rough ride. But here we are, a week and a half into the school year and I didn't think I'd be empty-handed. But I am and I'm finding ways to deal. Yesterday's realization that I'd have a chance at a Seattle contract was a happy one. Today, in the midst of looking over textbooks to prepare for my classroom takeover, I get two calls for interviews. One for Seattle tomorrow and another for Tukwila on Monday. This job I'll be taking over next week is really the best school and the closest in proximity to me. BUT, a contract is the winning ticket and no matter where it puts me, a contract is what I'll ultimately choose. Just...now....there seem to be options. Maybe? Weird. When it rains, it pours. I'm hoping I'll be able to say that when it shines...it's blinding.
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| ladeedadeeda |
[13 Sep 2007|10:35am] |
Today, Lulu is feeling better. She still coughs like she's trying to hack up her throat lining, but her energy seems to be back. She is such a cuddle bunny, it's hard to tell if she's just being a snuggler or if she's feeling under the weather. I think she's on her way up, though. I hope so. I hate it when she feels badly and I can't do a single thing to make her feel better.
After feeling more than glum--depressed, really--for weeks about the school year beginning and me without a teaching contract, I got a surprise phone call asking me to take over a classroom for a teacher who had been hired as a district math coach. It's a weird situation because I'm not being given a contract--that can't happen without an interview--but I am being given a classroom...all my own and ready to be filled with my things. I don't know how I feel about it because in all reality it could be taken away from me at any moment and given to someone else. Still, it is quite possible I could be in this position all year. We'll see. The most daunting thing is that this environment is entirely different from any I've taught in before. There is only one child who is not a racial minority and the kids are ridden pretty hard when it comes to discipline. The expectations for them are high and the discipline is strict. I run a tight ship for sure, but in a much friendlier manner than I've witnessed of teachers in this school. I need to tread carefully the first couple of days to ensure I don't get walked over... or become some raging bitch that I'm not out- of fear of losing control.
I really should be subbing today, but knowing that I am going to be working every weekday starting next Tuesday until god knows when, I want to take advantage of my last few days of "unemployment". I guess that's what you call sitting in the living room in front of the tv with with my favorite blanket and my dog.
Will someone sign me up for WHAT NOT TO WEAR? I want a new wardrobe.
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| yucky tummy |
[10 Feb 2006|08:28pm] |
I'm so sick right now. It's not "runny nose, fever" kind of sick. It's "there is a sword fight going on in my stomach (or a Ginsu knife commercial) and if I eat I'll surely puke again" kind of sick. No matter how I lay, I can't get comfortable, and I am sure that at any moment, I'll have to purge from either end (SEXY). My tummy hasn't been this sad about existing since I was in Brazil and had contracted some type of disease or bacterial infection or parasite colony or whatever. Anyway, it's no fun and this kind of sick makes me such a mess. I cry uncontrollably and I get all crazy delirious in my dreams durning restless, fitful bouts of sleep. I've been home all day by myself since Todd had to teach and now he's at the school's Talents Night. Alone + sick = an incredibly depressed me. I'm trying to soothe my woes with Olympics coverage, but after 20 minutes of downhill skiing, I'm realizing I need to desperately root through the movies for something more distracting and...well....good.
Someday I will eat again. And it will make me happy, not hurl. I just have to keep this dream alive.
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| too much rain makes the day all pruney |
[29 Jan 2006|02:27pm] |
Seattle Peeps: I'm looking for a metal bed frame for my queen bed. Do you know of anyone who wants to get rid of one? I don't want to pay more than 10 bucks for it, but I'm hopeful someone just has one sitting around and wants to get rid of it. I need to make some extra storage space and I think raising my mattress and box spring off the floor will work out to fit the miscellaneous things that have no home right now.
Today, I'm a mean, mean cleanin' machine. I get a little overzealous. You can definitely eat off almost every surface. Todd had a bunch of social appointments today and I'm only partly relishing being in the house alone. After cleaning is done, I have a million things to do, but all I want to do is go out and play. Even in this rain.
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| if you was my baby i'd kiss and hug you real tight |
[24 Jan 2006|10:29pm] |
I subbed for Todd's Kindergarten class yesterday while he took a day to recoup from my move on Sunday (ha! I got to recoup today so it was all good). Anyway, I love any day that starts with kids cheering my name and dancing around with their arms in the air. That classroom is my #1 fanclub for sure.
The day ended with little Charlie pointing at me and saying, "Why you got big those?" Charlie's parents aren't fluent in English and he has trouble speaking in a way I can understand. I said, "What?" looking at the books I was carrying, then the sequins on my sweater as he kept saying it and pointing. Finally, I had moved close enough to him for him to place his hand on what he was referring to: my breast. "Why you got big those?"
I told him it was for the same reason he had black hair. "Because I'm Korean?" Haha. "No, because you're you."
When I arrived home, I listened to a voicemail from my mother--her first attempt to contact me in 6 weeks--never asking me how I was or how I spent Xmas--asking me why there were charges from me on their credit card and demanding an explanation. I had to fight the urge to call her back and say hateful things. I'm hurt and subsequently angry. It's like in high school when I got into my first car accident and I called her from a house nearby in tears. Her first words were, "Oh my god how much is that going to cost us?" Can you feel the love? Some people should never be parents.
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| media poison |
[04 Jan 2006|01:18am] |
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I had the kids write new year's resolutions today, after telling them about 43things and their mission statement (or whatnot) and 25% of the girls in the class had a resolution to lose weight. Not just weight but specific poundage. 3, 6, 20. It made me sick. These are 9 and 10 year olds. I refused their papers and told each of them, "This is an abstract goal. I want to know how you plan to do this. If it's about taking better care of yourself or being healthier, tell me how you plan to do it." The revised versions said things like, 'Run more' or 'Eat vegetables', but it doesn't excuse the fact that their motivation is to be thinner than their small frames already are. It's heartbreaking.
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| oh and |
[03 Dec 2005|12:55pm] |
i just remembered, yesterday, during teaching, i said....
"When I was your age, we didn't have the Internet. I had to do all of my research using books!"
in response to the kids complaining that there weren't enough computers available for them to work on their research projects, despite the fact that there were piles of resource materials pulled by the librarian in bins for them to peruse.
I am officially ancient. I can't believe I used a, "When I was your age..." statement.
I hate being old. I think I'll lie from now on. "Oh yes, I learned to use the Internet before I could talk!" I think it will be totally believable.
Right?.....
Shut up. Naysayers.
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| this just in |
[03 Dec 2005|12:51pm] |
i'm at the coffee shop
i know
big surprise
there's a woman who's embraced her facial hair growth, fully allowing her stache to grow thick and dark buying a coffee right now. no, i mean thick. and DARK. like thicker than many of my boy friends. like groucho marx dark and thick. if i didn't see those boobs popping through her pink shirt, i'd a thought she was a man with long hair and feminine features and mistakenly believing pink is the new black. but those ain't manboobs. and those acrylics ain't gracing manhands.
mm. fas.ci.na.ting. i tell you.
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| fun don't live here anymore |
[24 Nov 2005|03:02am] |
Why do people come to me to enhance their social lives? I think I'm the most boring person I know. Apparently I have some sort of reputation I used to upkeep. Barely a faint glimmer in my mind...
Last night I shopped for sewing labels for my knitting projects. There are no limits to my procrastination.
I guess this means it's official. This thesis has drained me of my personality.
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| smelly but soft |
[31 Oct 2005|03:16am] |
by lala b.
My elementary had a ferret as the school pet. He lived in a large terrarium (which I realize now was not the nicest accomodation for him) and his name was Snooky. I loved holding Snooky because he was so soft. What I didn’t like was the scent left on my hands afterwards. Ferrets smell like skunks, and that’s even if you get them de-skunked. Snooky was de-skunked but he was still just as smelly as one. Ferrets need a lot of room to run around. I think they like tubes to run through. My friend Jasmin’s mom was obsessed with them. She belonged to a Save the Ferrets organization and she rescued sick and abused ferrets and nursed them back to health. At one point I think they had 6 ferrets living in their basement. They had their own playroom. I never held any of them because they were not very content with being held, seeing as they had various ailments. Anyway, long entry, but I enjoyed reminiscing. I recommend holding a ferret, to satisfy your curiosity, but I can’t say that I recommend inviting one to live with you. That’s an entirely different experience altogether.
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| babble |
[17 Sep 2005|12:21am] |
A lot of people are posting about getting tattoos. I don't have anything profound to say about that. I'm just making note of it.
Tonight Lorna told me I am one of the most balanced people she knows. I don't know if that means I put on a good act or if we're all just as crazy as I think I am.
I am almost moved in. I just have to find space to store the boxes I never get into and unpack my clothes and bathroom supplies. I have way more bathroom supplies than one person should responsibly have. I also have a lot of spices. I don't spend a lot of time in the bathroom and I never cook. This makes the fact that I appear to hoard such supplies very unusual and also annoying. I feel kind of....Mormon..as a result. We're going to have to acquire a baker's rack or something close to it if we're going to have any semblance of an organized kitchen. Despite my lack of interest in using the kitchen, I'd really like the organization. In my heart, I'm a minimalist. My penchant for collecting shoes (and apparently 5 kinds of tampons and Mrs. Dash varieties) does nothing to support this belief.
I think I'm going to like my new place once I'm acclamated. I just hope I like my girl roommate. She gets back from Bali today and I'll discover the answer when we meet. What's the appropriate length of time after meeting someone to let them know you need them to get their crap out of what should rightfully be your closet? I'd like to have enough self control to wait at least a day, but I'm afraid I'll actually ask for that before even saying hello. My inner only child is not very polite. I recognize this, but I have a hard time restraining her.
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| ways to help |
[03 Sep 2005|03:01am] |
I have, like all of you, been totally consumed with disbelief and concern about the devastation in the South. While the media is forever trying to over-sensationalize tragedies, I think they couldn't even put a dent into conveying the reality of this horrific situation. I've donated my measly funds to the capacity I can, but that won't ever be enough. I want to scoop up all the people without a safe place to sleep, without food to eat or water to drink, and shelter, feed and clothe them all. The fact that I can't do that tears me apart inside. Yes, I'm still living my life. I'm still having fun with my friends and buying one too many sodas and wasting gas by not taking the bus. But you know what? That's my life and I don't feel guilty about continuing to live it. I appreciate everything I have and everyone I have around me. I'm currently without a place of residence and I have great people in my life able to help me out. If I could help any more than I have, I would. I would totally drop my agenda to complete grad school right now and to find a job to support myself and hop a plane to Mississisppi if I actually thought doing that would help anyone, but I know it wouldn't. I need to take care of me and that includes taking care of my emotional well-being. I am disappointed that people would judge others for choosing to go on with their lives normally (even should that include partying), as though that means they're ignorant of the current tragedy or unsympathetic to the plight of others. This nation is broken right now, but we as individuals should not stop living life as we know it. That seems entirely counterproductive, doesn't it?
There are a couple of things I wanted to pass on, for those of you anxious to help. The first is easy and free.
If you're short on funds, but want to help, you should visit the Hunger Site and just click their button once a day. It's a good idea all the time, but especially during major tragedies like Katrina because they commit their collected funds towards specific relief efforts such as this. It only requires a click of your mouse to donate food to those in need.
For those of you who love music, getting mail, and have 10 bucks, please consider donating in exchange for a custom mix from my friend ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) lunarbull and supporting his creative and wonderful idea. Not only to help, but because he makes awesome mix cd's, he has an amazing collection of music, he'll make it to your specific tastes, and you'll not only be helping others...you'll be taking care of your emotional well-being as well.
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| itunes question |
[26 Aug 2005|09:07pm] |
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I've downloaded some songs from iTunes (on my pc) that are in an MPeg4 format and I want to transfer them into my Windows Media Player, but it says that it can't recognize that format. Any ideas how to change the type of file it is so I can put into into WMP or is it just stuck in iTunes forever?
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| Mumbler |
[22 Jul 2005|01:14am] |
I had a lot of really interesting things to talk about tonight--thought-provoking, even--but I'm going to hold off on those things and simply state that I really enjoyed seeing C+C music factory with Alice alicetiara, Tom x09, Spencer spencert, Tiffany monstermishmisu, Maggie mizrobot, Lorna, Lana, Todd, Annie, and Nathan natseawa last night. I loved the oompa loompa dance moves, the music, the pretty airbrushed people, the teeth, and how Willy (Johnny) kept calling that kid MUMBLER! You won't get that unless you see it, and I recommend you do. Wasn't anything like the original, and I'm glad for that because I like the original just like it is. This was shiny and snazzy and newmilleniumified. Pure fun. Seeing it at the IMAX made it even better, although I really do get serious vertigo on those steps. I think it all has to do with the time we went to see the Whales movie at the IMAX in Vegas (Caesar's Palace?) and I was so drunk, I threw up after crawling up the steps....yes, crawling...to get to the bathroom in time. Uch, never ever ever set yourself down in a theater where you are surrounded by water and large bulbous things swimming around you when you've had too much to drink. Recipe for disaster.
In other news, I visited a house today on the Hill that was a perfect location but everyone is living (more like squatting) like hippies inside and I just can't go from Real World to koomba. Especially for only $50 less. I just can't be that desperate. I can't. So I called the number of an ad for a place in Queen Anne and subsequently hung up on the guy. Yup. And I don't feel badly about it. He was scary. As in crazy. And I called another girl who seems really flaky, but nice. She doesn't list her address. She just says she's in Ballard. She had to take another call and was gone before I could ask where she was, but I'm supposed to call her tomorrow afternoon to come see it anyway. Then Todd and I took Bella to the beach and the dog park and I fell in love with about 50 dogs and even contemplated stealing one. No really. I even planned a getaway route. I'm insane.
Tomorrow, I find a place to live. I must, I must, I must. Wish me luck. I've already begun packing for a move to a (currently fictitious) new home. xo
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